It was kind of nice that my company had me on a project that was in town this winter. I really didn’t like the company I was doing the work for, but the fact that it was five miles from my house and I didn’t have to drive my Mustang in the winter made up for it. My part in the project was finally done at the end of April and I started back doing my regular consulting work. That means that I am usually not at one site more than a day or so, unless I have been sent out of town. My company has sent me to the four corners of the continent (almost literally), and although I miss being away from the family and bitch about not having down time in between, all in all traveling isn’t too bad. If I’m actually in town, then it means that I do what project management assigns me. Usually I will travel to multiple companies in one day. PM is not the best at figuring out geography though, which is a real headache. What do I mean by that?;
I am based out of the Lansing office along with 4 other LAN/WAN engineers, and a crap load of Cisco guys. We also have offices in Grand Rapids and in Auburn Hills (the old company headquarters). Each office has its own staff of engineers, but the Auburn Hills office has our largest number of them in Michigan (around 30 of them). I am pretty sure the idea behind the satellite offices is to have engineers available near the customer sites, so the customers can get fast response and won’t have to pay travel time. For the sake of folks not living in Michigan let me explain that both offices are 1 ½ hours away from Lansing if your driving during normal commute hours.
Ok, so let's say that resource management gets a call from the Lansing area for a company needing an engineer. They check their schedules and find that all the Lansing engineers are at another company. Instead of actually getting an idea from the company that called what kind of rush the project is, they pull a free engineer from the Auburn Hills office and send them to Lansing. They next get a call from a Detroit business and instead of using a free Auburn Hills engineer (oh Auburn Hills is a suburb of Detroit), they will wait and pull an engineer from the Lansing office once one becomes available. I THINK the reasoning they are doing it that way is that they don’t want to exhaust all the engineers in one office. Of course that doesn’t explain the fact that they have just booked the only available engineer in Lansing, giving us no free engineers yet again, and leaving the Auburn Hills still with free guys. To top it off, they now consider the Lansing guy a Detroit resource (he’s in the area right..?) so they continue to assign him Detroit calls. What that boils down to is that during the summer time I end up spending a hell of a lot of my time in Detroit, or should I say on the road to Detroit.
The commute time to Detroit in the morning/afternoons jumps from over one hour, to close to three hours. Traffic comes to a complete stop around 20 miles from the city daily from 6:30am to 9:00am, and visa versa from 4:00pm until 6:00pm. It’s a typical traffic jam; a lot of sitting around, waves of actually moving, and idiots who have to change lanes every minute because they think they are going to get there faster. It happens all around the country, so no big deal right? Then again...
Michigan is one of the few states where the speed limit on the highways is 70mph. What that translates to is a medium speed of 80 to 85mph normally. In the mornings and afternoons coming out of/or going into traffic jams from Detroit things change. The medium speed during those times can push over 90mph. I understand it; you get fed up with sitting still, or worry about getting to work on time and you feel you need to speed up to make up time (what did our drivers ED teachers say??). If you can imagine four lanes of ALMOST bumper to bumper traffic going at 90mph then you get an idea of how hairy it can get some afternoons. I can’t count the number of times I have thought to myself how amazingly lucky I just was after I have gotten away from the traffic like that (usually around the midpoint). I will stop for a pop around then, try to relax for a second and then continue home. I understand that if I don’t stop, then I can easily get out of control. But some folks just don’t understand this. You see, I can deal with the traffic jams, and the light-speed packs, but I have a real problem with the next set of folks; the ones still pumped from the high speed packs, the ones still thinking they are late to ??, and who now find themselves on a two land highway instead of four. What ends up next is where the push comes to shove and the real road rage starts.
There have always been a few things I have wanted to tell people driving during this time, and I figure venting them here is relatively safe, and who knows maybe someone will actually read this and act upon it??
1. If I pass you, or attempt to (see below), then I am NOT insulting you. I am not saying I am better than you, hell 99.99% of the time I don’t even pay attention to who is driving the car. It isn’t personal, it’s just I would like to maintain the speed I am driving.
2. Please do NOT spend your entire drive time in the left hand lane. It is for PASSING folks and then getting over. If you were paying attention as I approached you or you actually let me pass you, you will see that I get out of that lane when I am not passing. I am not trying to be the fastest; there are at least 5 other cars I see on a daily basis during the commute that are traveling waaaay faster than me. They have their speeds, I have mine, and you have yours.
3. I have two pet names for my car, and the first is My Bird of Prey. Why, you ask? Because folks seem to believe that I am equipped with a cloaking device and uncloak my car when I get behind them. I get EXTREMELY tired of people doing 75mph until I get up to pass them and them speeding up to go faster than me. Please do not give me the look of ‘But I was always doing 85mph!!!’. You weren’t or I wouldn’t have been able to actually get up to you.
4. Which leads me to my second pet name for my car; Sheepdog. I can keep 4 or 5 of the sort of folks listed above in front of me for miles on end, no matter what speed I go. I have been known to bark and howl uncontrollably at them. I also like to test their limits; say dropping to 65mph and then hitting the gas pedal hard once or twice (I LOVE to hear their engines sound like they are about to explode as they get surprised) or stressing their engines by making them max out I as take it up to 95mph. I figure if you’re going to do what you are doing for no other reason then to piss me off I might as well get revenge my way.
5. IF there are semis in the right hand lane separated by more than a few hundred feet; please, please GET OVER and let people pass you. Nothing makes my blood boil more, than a line of 20 cars refusing to get over led by some grandma doing 65mph. I can’t get around them, as EVERY person in that line will not let me get ahead of them, ‘how dare I try!!’. Oh, and when you get clear of that situation, please see rule one. You’re not going to keep going 85mph more than one or two miles, so please play nicely.
6. Assured clear distance is a wonderful thing. I actually do care if I make it home alive and I definitely understand that SHIT HAPPENS on the highway. It is NOT a spot you can squeeze your car into. That is how traffic jams happens as I now have to slam my brakes and try not to kill you. If you see that happen to me, please do not get the idea in your head that I am going slow and am the perfect person for you to do the exact same thing as soon as I get some space back again.
7. Pickup truck owners listen up, this one is just for you. Yeah, your pickup probably has a V8 and without you hauling anything (WHY buy a truck and not actually USE it as a truck??..a bitch for later) you’re pretty fast. Makes you feel pretty good I imagine knowing you have that kind of power. Guess what?? I have a V8 too (Ford folks, it’s the same fucking engine) and I weigh a hell of a lot less than you do. What does that mean?? It means I can beat your truck HANDS DOWN. Just because I don’t floor it around you doesn’t mean that I can’t, and you were right about your truck being the most bad ass thing around. Heads up, every now and then I do. BOY do you guys get pissed as I dust your ass!
8. Middle age guys driving vans; this one is for you. Yes, you can keep up with me, and if you push your van you can keep ahead of me. I understand your feeling like you need SOMETHING to prove you’re still a stud and here is the perfect situation. You can prove that your van ‘is TOO a kick ass car’, and your not getting that old, by keeping up and passing my Mustang. Heads up guys; at 90mph I still have 60mph left to go and if I drop the pedal, it still kicks into overdrive. Just because I do not want to be totally insane by driving faster than 90mph, does NOT mean that I can’t…however, it does mean that you can’t. I would love to be your mechanics as you are stressing the heck out of your engine, and you must have to put it in the shop all the time. I have actually seen some poor shmuck blow black and greasy grey smoke doing this one afternoon, and yeah I laughed my ass off at the guy and actually clapped my hands for him as I passed his now fucked up vehicle. Boy was his wife going to be pissed*grin*.
9. Gals, I really honestly do love the opposite sex. I think the vast majority of you are sexy and if I wasn’t married I would probably be a huge slut. I don’t know if it is me (I have been told I look pretty good), the Mustang, a combination of both, that driving fast makes you horny, or whatever; but please listen to me on this. Trying to play tag with me at 85mph is not something that is going to cause me to say “Man I HAVE to get that gals number” or whatever the hell it is you want. It IS going to eventually make me get off the highway, but not for the reasons you might want; I have had a number of you follow me off at the exit I just swerved onto at the last second (Sometimes the phrase ‘Dear Penthouse’ goes through my mind *lol*). I am not getting off the highway to hook up. The reason is because deep in my heart I honestly want to get the fuck AWAY from you. My car is more valuable to me than any part of the body you are offering me. Sorry..
Ok, so this post was rather long and I apologize for it, but I hope you actually read it through. Anyways, I’m headed out to gas up the V8 and boldly go where no sane man has ever wanted to be..the highway.
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